DVD Reviews as Moral Soapbox

Ugh, so after trolling Netflix in search of more ignoramus reviews, I feel pretty dirty. People hated 'Six Feet Under' because of its "gay agenda." People hated John Sayles's Lone Star because of its "Anglo-bashing." I just wanted to find an idiotic review that was based on pure, unadulterated stupidity, not on prejudice alone. Dang it!

So here are some more reviews, but let's be honest, these are more depressing than they are amusing.

THE INDIAN RUNNER

JR from San Clemente, CA
(See my other reviews ...)

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

I found "the indian runner" ponderous and rampant with "method acting".The only person worth saving was the Arquette character who makes a very illogical turn around, one I felt was worthy of her. The Vietnam brother should have been brought to justice and hung.

(Rampant with "method acting"?! Sounds like the plague of the 20th Century! Take cover!)

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

1.0 star
RD from Eastford, CT
(See my other reviews ...)

10 out of 17 people found this review helpful.

Five minutes into this flick, a truck crashed into a telephone pole down the road.By the time the power was back on, I lost track of the plot and kept fast forwarding trying to pick up a plot or interesting scene. No such luck. It is the only film where I have fast forward to get to a quick end. I hate movies where they play mind games.Leave it alone. Cheerio !!!

(RD, meet the rewind button. Rewind button, meet RD. Fruit Loop !!!)

The rest of the Spotless Mind reviews I "tagged" for insertion aren't even worthwhile because they all say the same things:

1) "Why would anyone think this is a romantic comedy? It's not funny at all."
(Hint to Netflix: time to reclassify this one.)

2) "I wish I could have the experience of watching this movie erased from my memory."
(No points for originality)

And while we're on the subject of originality: when reading reviews for The Graduate, two reviewers who panned it-- within inches of each other-- called it "claptrap." Is that, like, a word that gets thrown around often? Maybe I'd understand if they were both from the same town or state and shared the same backwater vernacular... but they were from completely different regions of the country. And I looked up claptrap on dictionary.com.... it means "pretentious, insincere, or empty language." Hmm...

Netflix: It's for Dummies, Too

Inspired by Maya's post, I'm about to rag on some Netflix amateur DVD reviewers. Man, do you guys suck! While I'm at it, let me take a swipe at Netflix itself and advertise the fact that they sent me some incredibly low-budget Conan-type flick called CONQUEST in the envelope for BATTLE ROYALE. Which means they totally wasted the 6-8 days of the month it took for them to send me that piece of shit, and for me to return it and receive an actual copy of Battle Royale. And there's nothing they plan to do about it. Fuckers!

So, on to the roasting.

HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE

The major trend I saw with people who rated this film negatively was that they were offended by 1) the fact that the main characters were "nobodies" and 2) that the film was "racist." One reviewer even speculated that this is a "Blue State Movie." Check it:

DT from Middleton, CT
Rating: one star
Not funny. Racist and just a plain waste of time. White Castle has always been a favorite of mine. It now has a blemish.

Evangeline from Chi-town
Rating: one star
I have no problems with dumb comedies, having enjoyed "Eurotrip" and "Dude, where is my car", but this is just not funny, believe me. It is poorly conceived and constructed, the actors are absolutely uncharismatic wankers and there is just NOTHING to watch. I mean, if you do not laugh in a stupid juvenile comedy, than what do you do- follow the plot line? admire the acting? the sets? the sound?get stoned past being conscious?... At least "Stifler" and Ashton Kutcher have some comedic talent- these actors are just upgraded extras.

NJ from Gaffney, SC
Rating: one star
This movie is not funny, its ridiculous. And why do hollywood movies always and i mean always put in unneeded references to nazis, holocaust and israel. I guess what it really tells us who financed this movie. A word to the jewish filmmakers, enough of the crap already.

UPDATE: Whoa, Nelly! I decided to see where "read my other reviews" would take me. NJ from SC (above) turned out to be an actual neo-Nazi. Check out his/her other reviews here.

Monkey Shleps Cat

You have to look at these pictures on StuffonMyCat.com now!

Now I love monkeys. And I love cats. But monkeys and cats, playing and climbing trees together-- that melts my heart. I wanna pack up my cats and take them to Indonesia so they have a chance at meeting some monkey friends. I think they're pretty bored with Marc. (Ha ha, just kidding, Marc.)

How do people blog everyday? I have been sitting here for like 3 minutes trying to think of something else to write (that doesn't pertain to prime time television.) I don't wanna get all stream-of-consciousness on ya'all so I better just suck it up and hit publish post. How utterly boring.

Welcome Back, Snotter!

Hey na, hey na, my nose ring's back! It was a b-day present from Marc. Those two years I lived without it in Japan are just bad naked-nosed memories now. I got poked in the same exact spot I had it before so it's like it never left!

Hmm, my co-workers seem ambivalent about my new face adornment. I got the official "OK" from my boss before getting it done, of course. But unlike getting a new haircut or losing 10 lbs, no one is doing a double-take at me and going "Hey, nice nose stud!" In fact they are regarding it much the same as they might regard a shiny blue booger: trying not to stare, smiling politely, betraying their own disgust. What gives? Nose rings are cool. But I forgot my workplace is not.

I don't care, I feel cool! Especially in this town of self-proclaimed weirdos, facial piercings carry a certain cache. Maybe I'll finally get some respeto on the streets. Meanwhile I've been sneezing all day and it totally hurts.