Oscar, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Him?

Granted, Best Actor is a tough category this year. But c'mon, people of the Academy - did you not read Maya's pleas? (Maya's pleas)
Viggo should get a "Most Improved" Best Actor Oscar. Look how far he's come in a few short years! Check out A Perfect Murder and compare that mumbling, bumbling beefsteak to the bonafide actor above. (Using this rationale, perhaps Heath should win the statue. And Philip Seymour shouldn't because he's always been genius.) Alas, William Hurt was the only member of the A History of Violence cast to be recognized by the AMPAS. He was the biggest ham! I wanted to douse him with mustard! Keep aiming high, Viggy, and maybe you'll get one of those retrograde Oscars (a la Crowe, Denzel, Pacino, etc.) when people come to their senses next year.

(Scarlett's) Golden Globes

Apropos of my previous post, here are some of my favorite moments from the 2006 Golden Globes:

• Isaac Mizrahi's overly-familiar pinscers have been well documented already, but I just could not believe it when he felt Scarlett's boob (with little to no backlash.)
• It was the Battle of the Precious Speeches, with Geena Davis, Hugh Laurie, and Steve Carrell all trying to out-wit one another at the podium. I appreciated the TV stars' levity, especially with too-earnest Reese and surprisingly awkward Philip (but he's my boy) taking the stage.
• Viggo and David Cronenberg shared a congratulatory, discreet man-kiss when History of Violence is announced as a Best Picture nominee.
• Drew Barrymore's unbridled bosom was stealing all the attention away from her face, so they did a not-so-subtle on-camera zoom, redirecting viewers' attention to above her nipple line.
• Could Melanie Griffith's spawn be any more sulky and pubescent? Her parents looked so proud, as if it's an achievement for a 16-year-old to apply whore makeup and glower into a camera.

Mostly this just got me revved up for the Oscars spectacle to come! Hollywood, bring it!

Year of theTelevision

Pity me. I have taken my anthropological interest in popular televison too far. It started off as just one show a week: LOST. I didn't feel guilty because it's a genuinely good show. Then Wednesday night 9-10pm expanded to 11pm when I started watching Project Runway on a weekly basis. Still, these are quality programs we're talking about, and they gave me a reason to look forward to Hump Day.

Then I accidentally watched all two hours of Dancing With the Stars. And the next day's result show. And somehow I find myself watching Wife Swap every week. And the new Bachelor is really hot. I watched all three hours of The Golden Globes. My fall from grace was cemented when I watched last night's season opener of American Idol... aaah! I am spiraling out of control. What can I do? My perverse interest has been piqued. I want to see how George Hamilton handles the tango and whether Travis gives black sheep Moana another rose.

This is my confession. I watch a lot of crap TV. And occasionally I might feel compelled to write about it. Don't judge me. If you were limited to Japanese variety shows for nearly two years, you'd worship at the altar of Comcast too.

Shiny Happy Kitties

Hollywood Dreams

Last night I went to sleep at 8 PM (yes, PST) and had the most wonderful encounter with Nicole Richie in a dream! We were both waiting to be seated at a restaurant and struck up a conversation. She told me that she and DJ AM got back together on the sly, and had eloped! (Turns out his impetus for dumping her were her grand wedding plans; they were freaking him out.) They had an intimate wedding party for 12 at the Hard Rock Cafe in Los Angeles -- Nic told me all about it. I said what a coincidence, Nic! Marc and I were married at a Hard Rock Cafe in Tokyo(!!!)! Then DJ AM chimed in with, "Oh, we love the Hard Rocks in Tokyo. We used to hang at that one in southern Tokyo..." "Shinagawa?" I asked. "Yeah, that's the one!" He replied. (In fact there is no HRC in Shinagawa, but there is an Outback Steakhouse.)
Doesn't that sound fabulous? Feel free to analyze me.

How say in Engrish?

Funny story: I saw a sign very similar to this one at the Onarimon station in Tokyo. It was for a handicapped-accesible restroom labeled Dare demo toire: "Toilet for anyone," which they translated into English as "Multifunction toilet." Except that I wasn't wearing my glasses, and I thought it said "MALfunction toilet." Yeah I thought they were calling handicapped people malfunctioned. I took a picture of the sign with my camera phone, sent it to Marc (and maybe Maya too?) and felt indignant everytime I passed by the sign on Wednesday evenings. Months later I was looking at the pictures in my camera phone and-- for the first time-- noticed what it really said. Oops. It sounds silly anyway!

Worst of 2005: The Trailers

I saw many bad films in 2005. Serenity - cheesefest. Brothers Grimm - preposterous. Monster-in-Law - abhorrent. But I am confident that I did NOT see the very worst 2005 had to offer. Sure, I was a dumbass for even renting Hide and Seek, but at least I knew enough to stay away from these stinkers based on their trailers alone.

10. Rumor Has It... First of all, a film title should not have an ellipses. So points off for that right off the bat. And what a freakin ridiculous premise.

9. Ringers: Lord of the Fans - Sounds too much like "Lord of the Dance." And, also, uh... even if you like LOTR (and I surely do), only a mammoth geek would have an interest in seeing this movie. Because he's in it.

8. Guess Who - OK, this one was mildly amusing ("Omigod, are we being audited?") but my loathing for Ashton Koochie trumps any promise this movie showed.

7. Elizabethtown - Cameron Crowe, you should've saved it for your therapist. And get a new composer because the music in this trailer made my tooth ache!

6. Domino - Keira Knightley as a model-turned-bounty hunter. I think that's all I'm gonna say about that. Oh, except: eat a sandwich, chicky.

5. Robots - I must've seen this trailer 20 times in Japan. "Lo-bo-tsu." I guess Pixar was trying to finally enter the boy market. Because fish and monsters and superheroes and bugs are so girly.

4. Cheaper By the Dozen II - What happened, Steve Martin? You became a waxy not-funny person. And please don't pantomime humping Bonnie Hunt ever, ever again.

3. Yours, Mine, and Ours - Just when you thought Dennis Quaid couldn't get any blander.

2. Son of the Mask - What? How? Who would procreate with that thing?

1. Herbie: Fully Loaded - How now, Lindsay? Do you long for your days of innocence? Of red hair and "baby fat?" I don't long for them enough to watch this movie.

The fruits of my (lack of) labors

Inspired by my own previous post and Cary Tennis's advice, I wrote this diamante, which I will call "BFF":

Lindsay
Freckled, Damaged
Eating, puking, snorting
Teenager, Child Star, Waif, Cokehead
Eating, puking, snorting
Emaciated, Dumped
Nicole

And this haiku:

Brad’s GQ no more
All black adorns his chiseled bod--
Now Angie’s minion.

And this limerick:

Tom’s given the press so much fodder
Since hypnotizing Miss Joey Potter.
Proposing on the Eiffel Tower,
Patronizing Matt Lauer,
And getting sprayed in the face with water!

All poems ©2006 by Sandy Lucas

Time for a new support group: CGA

Contrary to what you might think, I did not write this Dear Cary letter:

Why am I obsessed with celebrity gossip?
Instead of writing poetry, I'm checking out IMDB.
Since You Asked

Maybe some of you can identify. OK, I know you can. I have a lot of daytime dead time on my hands, spent in front of a computer. I could use it to write a screenplay, balance my checkbook, read Anna Karenina or any number of respectable things. Instead I spend hours combing through the celebrity rags and trying to find out just how skinny La Lohan was when she hosted SNL!! I do it at home too. Just last night I stayed up past my bedtime reading "Celebrity Life & Style," looking at the exact same photos that I already saw in last week's "In Touch Weekly." WHY DO I DO THIS? It started out as a harmless creature comfort: I was in Japan. I was starved for American culture. I longed to see pictures of ladies with real butts and hips and bellies (although they were as few and far between in the mags as they are on the streets of Tokyo.) But now what's my excuse? I AM LAME.

Cary's advice to us CGAs is "Embrace celebrity worship! Do not be ashamed! It is a real hunger that you are feeding!" He suggests asking ourselves what our likes and dislikes of particular celebrities say about us. This is great advice. Several months ago I began having disturbing dreams involving Paris, Lindsay, and their ilk-- and I myself was a character. One such dream went like this: I was staying at some kind of hostel or lodge at which Paris and Linds were also guests. I was taking a shower, when both girls stumbled into the bathroom drunk (or high, or both) and pulled back the shower curtain. They began to ridicule and criticize my naked body! I sprayed water at them and they ran out, giggling and screaming. I woke up furious. What does this mean? Sure, we all agree how disgusting Nicole Richie's bony body is, but I am totally wrapped up in her coked-out, bulemic saga. How low will she go? I go to DailyCeleb.com to compare pictures of 2004 Nicole with 2005 Nicole. I think I am subconsciously absorbing her neuroses.

So, all of you Celebrity Gossipers out there: let's unite! We can help each other though this! How about we start with suggesting web sites which feed the mind. Perhaps we can save GoFugYourself and UsWeekly for the end of our days, and start out with some internet brain food. Any ideas? Please?

I'm jealous of these kindergarteners

Kindergarteners at Woodstock Elementary in Portland are learning Mandarin Chinese as part of a government-sponsored initiative. The idea is to continue to offer Mandarin throughout their public school education, culminating in a phat college scholarship and a year abroad at Nanjing University! Lucky little booger-eaters. Kindergarten has come a long way from "Me Chinese, Me Play Joke, Me Put Pee Pee in Your Coke."

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